Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Worcester Man Chosen as New Pope!

White smoke over Worcester when Brian ‘Basher’ Bishop woke up this morning to discover he had been elected the new leader of the Catholic Church, writes Scot Atticus.

Brian 59, of Strawberry Way, Dines Green, who recently retired after seven years as a plasterer  revealed that he only entered the competition after encouragement from his wife Janis, 53; ‘I thought I had no chance but she kept on at me saying – ‘you’ve got to be in it to win it!’ Brian claims his new job won’t change him one bit and he plans to continue coaching Dines Green F.C Under 13’s in their Sunday League campaign where they are through to the Quarter Finals of the North East Worcestershire Junior Cup. They face second place Batchley Colts this Sunday, kick off 2pm at Mount Pleasant Leisure Centre.

Before Brian
When asked about some of the broader issues facing the church today Brian, who admitted he’s 
never travelled abroad and only goes to church every other Christmas said he couldn’t see a problem with condom machines in Africa providing they could build enough public toilets to house them. The papal prophylactic wondered if too many different currencies might be at the heart of the problem, making it impossible to manufacture a generic machine at their Beijing plant. In his first address the profiteering Pontiff urged African nations to consider adopting a common currency similar to the Euro suggesting that ‘if they all had an Afro then they’d probably get on a bit better’.  

After Brian
Bishop will be known as Pope Rural I. 

Sunday, 10 March 2013

Love of the Common Peepz

It’s dress down Friday at the station, but they don’t need the aggravation,
‘cos when the cops come out to play they look like men @ C&A
lo-fi high rise wi-fi too, Cherry Red caught Sniffin' Glue;
pace the cage in human zoos, listening out for blues and two’s.

a fat man wearing nylon slacks gets cornered by the P.A stack 
as subway dwelling disco bratz bait bouncers waving rounders bats;
D.I.S.C.O damaged firewall kid pulls ghetto princess off the skidz, 
(whilst rural punk plays Mercian funk that gloryfies his lifestyle junk).

- meanwhile on the other side of a town, designed by planners with no manners whilst getting hammered...

bingo wings at Burger King eat cheesy chips and onion rings; 
whilst Osbourne’s stately mandarins find horse meat in banana skins; 
Ukip safe trip, Premier in, Travelodge for Polish skinz; 
where Asian Babes sell webcam porn, U.S.B ports in every storm; 
handcuffed to a divan bedhead, bloodied duvet muddied bedspread;
flattery then battery, they drowned her in the ladies lavatory; 
blubbery and rubbery, schoolboys wank into the shrubbery, 
imagine her in reader's wives, 
with plastics, carrotts, cukes and vibes, 
it transformed their X-box lives - they only show you tits on SKY!
…….no safe word was whispered here, so they turned off her laughing gear.

Shall I go on?  

Nike, Bodem, Broadband modem, you're no one 'til you've been on Wogan, gotta problem? – adopt a slogan!

Relax…just do it, when you want to go through it

behind every door in every town, some weird kind of shit is about to go down. But Friday night is five* more sleeps, livin’ in the love of the common peepz.  

Saturday, 9 March 2013

Worcester Fashion Week

Well, for the past fortnight it's been Worcester fashion week and we've all been struck down with runway fever! The city's cafes and charity shops have been over run with fashion savvy farmers and their gauche daughters eager to taste everything the city has to offer. We're grateful to Cheek By Joel for sending in these lovely images. For some time WFW has been viewed as being reminiscent of a crime scene and as a result photographers have  been banned - hence the press's reliance on artist's impressions such as these.

The event, which for the 4th year running was sponsored by The Lone Furrow Tractor Co, was held in the city's Guild Hall and was opened by Councillor Bob Roberts and featured Worcester's very own Carnivore Queen, lovely Katy Hackett, 19 (below). 'I had a lovely time' said Katy 'and I'm sure the experience will help me a lot'. We're not sure which designer is showing in each of these images, but we're fairly sure that they will be coming to what remains of our high street fairly soon.

Joel informs us that he is suprised these turned out as well as they did since to use his term he was as 'drunk as a lord' when he did them. So well done Joel for entering into the spirits of the event but without leaving your work ethic at the bar. 

It's taken a while to get off the ground, and whilst it may not yet quite be up there with New York, London, Paris or Milan - yet! - it's good to know it's taking off!